Turn of a Friendly Die WISH 9: Significant Others This week's question comes from the LintKing, who is an unindicted co-conspirator over on It Slices! It Dices!. Have you ever gotten a significant other into gaming? Those of you in "mixed marriages", where one spouse is a gamer and the other isn't, how did you work this out?
• Having only one Significant Other, my answer will be somewhat predictable. Yes, I have gotten the SO involved.
My SO is not a gamer, or least she made that case from early in our friendship, but she is very interested in social activities. She's better at them than I am. Before she was my SO, she was part of a circle of friends that I introduced to RPGs. So she was often present at gaming sessions, reading in a corner, or interested in cooking up something special for our dinner break. And since I was usually the GM, I stopped the game in order to make sure she got help in the kitchen, in order to acknowledge her significant contribution to the social event.
She didn't like gaming because she thought it involved a lot of vulnerability and exposure to the other players who would make competitive judgments by the game's esoteric values. This was what she knew about games from past experience. There were winners and losers. The winners gloated and the losers ate crow.
Many years later, and much had changed in the world. We got back together as more than friends. Even before we got married, we had a compact that she would not ask me to give up gaming and I would not ask her to give up smoking. Again, as I ran games, she was usually a part of the social scene of the game. As long as I respected (or had my game friends respect) that there was a larger context in the get-together than the game, and that she was a part of that, we did well. She didn't crash or comment on the game except for the limited power of "Timestop" that allowed for certain brief breaks for "hostess admin questions".
One day, a few of the guys decided to get their SOs involved; have them roll up characters, join in the fun. My SO tried this. It didn't work. It didn't work across the board. The ladies were not gamers and didn't understand the focus of the game. They didn't see the fun at all. It was a huge lame undertaking that never really got off the ground.
More time passed. One night she inquired again, "What had she done wrong the first time? What might be done differently to make it work?" My opinion was she hadn't done anything wrong, it was a game, and she didn't care for games. In a conversation that spanned across a few days I sensed something else. She knew the game group now and knew them well. She had a feeling for how the fun worked.
She didn't want to "mess up the game," however-- but she wanted to try again, if I thought it could work.
And this is where I developed the "play a kid" scenario which introduced her character. She was a ragamuffin streetrat who knew nothing much about armor, weapons, creatures, and everything that went with being an 'adventurer'. She had a good reason for wanting out of the town and was willing to use the band of PC heroes to get such a chance. Plus, she had information that the heroes could use.
It worked wonderfully.
Her character was a kid. The motivation was elegant and flexible. The PCs and NPCs of the band understood implicitly that they were responsible for keeping "the kid" alive and the streetrat was a connection to elements of the ongoing campaign. And whenever the Player didn't understand an element of the gameworld, the Character's backstory was ample cover for the fact.
And playing a streetwise kid can be fun. My SO is still playing today, many years later. Fact is-- it's her favorite hobby.
And she stopped smoking on her own. She made her saving throw, I think.
• Other folks have tried to integrate their SOs into gaming. It seems to work about half the time. My advice here is:
You need to be careful with the character backstory.
You need to understand the competitive nature of the group, or allow for it to be stronger than the new person might like.
You need to set some reasonable time frame to evaluate if "fun is being had".
If the new person wants out, just accept that but give them an option for return.
If the new person wants some additional GM time, give it to them in a separate added session.
A beginner ought to get a special consideration. If you can't restart the game so everyone is equal, then provide some in-game reason for the beginner to have some niche or edge that helps them smooth over lack of experience, contacts, and power.
Always remember, that even if there is no "hidden bias" between regular gamer and the SO, that some folks will think there is, and perception is reality in many cases.
